What Does It Mean To Be Trans or Gender-Questioning?

Gender questioning is a natural and normal part of human development, where children and young adults explore their understanding of gender identity and expression. It involves questioning societal norms, stereotypes, and expectations related to gender. Some may experiment with different pronouns, names, clothing styles, or hairstyles as they navigate their identity.

Gender questioning is not a disorder or a phase. It's a process of self-discovery that can occur at any age, but is often more pronounced during adolescence and early adulthood. It is important to remember that gender is a spectrum, and not everyone identifies with the gender assigned to them at birth.

People, at any age, can decide that the gender they were assigned at birth (the one congruent with their sex) is not the one they wish to live as. This is known as gender incongruence (a mismatch between your felt gender and the one everybody else thinks you are).

These terms are important to understand:

People who are gender incongruent are usually referred to as 'trans'—short for transgender, they are transitioning or have transitioned from one gender to another.
People who are do not experience gender incongruence are usually referred to as 'cis'—short for cisgender, the word cis meaning 'the same side'. They identify with the gender they are perceived as.
There are also people who do not identify as male or female—they sometimes call themselves non-binary, and might use they/them pronouns rather than he/him or she/her pronouns. Some non-binary people consider themselves to be trans, some do not.

What Are The Myths?

Being Trans, Non-Binary or Questioning Your Gender Is A 'Trend'

People have questioned and explored their gender identities throughout history.
We know from historical writings, that people throughout history have lived as a different gender to the one they were assigned at birth, and more still have expressed the desire to.
Throughout history and the world, there are groups of people who live in gender roles other than the ones they were assigned at birth, and continue to do so today, such as Hijra, Travesti, Two-Spirit people, Kathoey, Feminnielli.

Gender-Questioning Is Caused By Social Pressure

There is actually a huge pressure not to transition or to reserve a medical transition (known as detransitioning) rather than the reverse. If there is any pressure, it is quite small, and unlikely to come from the media or from friends.
People have conversations about gender and transgender people and this might inspire them to think about these topics independently—but their conclusions will come from their own personal reflections.
People who eventually go on to medically transition very rarely experience any regret for having done so. Where evidence exists, it suggests the regret rate is 1% or lower.

All People Who Question Their Gender Go On To Medically Transition

A lot of people who question their gender choose not to medically transition. They simply live in a way that is more authentic for them, such as using new pronouns.
A lot of people who question their gender actually do not do anything new at all—the exploration was enough for them to understand more about themselves.
No, you can't ask if they have 'had the surgery yet'—it's very invasive, rude and... non-specific.
Even if this myth was true, it would be fine—if that was what the individual wanted.

Trans Children Are 'Forced To Medically Transition'

The waiting list at the NHS England Gender Identity Development Service (Children) was around 100 weeks long at the time at which it was closed. The wait for Gender Identity Clinics (Adults) are a similar length, and often longer.
Given the long and growing waits to even start an assessment, the prospect of being rushed onto a medical pathway is quite remote.
Children are only ever offered puberty blockers as a medical intervention, and never routinely. When these are offered, these can be discontinued at any time.
Only adults are offered gender-affirming hormones and reassignment surgery. Hormones are only offered after the adult has been living in their chosen gender for a year, assessed for and diagnosied with Gender Dysphoria. There is then a longer wait for surgery.

How Can I Support My Gender-Questioning or Trans Child?

Listen, Validate: Let them know that their feelings are valid and that you support their journey.

They need to know you are a safe place to explore this—even if you don't understand what is expected of you here, being a good confidant is key.

Educate Yourself: Go off and read about different people's gender identities and experiences, and the way we used gendered language as a society.

You can support your child by learning alongside them.

Respect Their Choices: Allow your child to express their gender in ways that feel authentic to them. If need be, help them do so—this might be by buying them new clothes, using their chosen pronouns or a chosen name if they have one.

This might put you on a collision course with institutions and other adults, and that is fine. You are being true to your child, nobody else.

Seek Professional Advice: If you both decide as much, have a think together about seeking help from qualified professionals for support and next steps. These could be:

Medical and psychological professionals in transgender healthcare who can explore options with you both, offer support and advice, and refer onwards if needed. Your GP can make a referral to an NHS gender service or support you in a private referral.
Arranging for your child to start therapy with a mental health professional—it can be hard being different in the world sometimes. Those feelings sometimes need unpacking. This might be available through the NHS, charities, or other options such as private.

A word of caution: Be ready to advocate for your child and choose support for them carefully. Some professionals consider it their goal to prevent or delay transition, known as "conversion therapy" or "desistance therapy". Research has shown that these types of conversion therapy are ineffective in preventing transition and often cause long-term psychological harm (Higbee, Wright, Roemerman, 2020).

For this reason, the British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists and UK Council for Psychotherapy forbid their members from engaging in this practice in their code of ethics. The Royal College of Psychiatrists continues to lobby the UK government to criminalise conversion therapy due to the associated harms.

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