What Is Attachment Theory?

We need to have one thing very clear: play is the primary language of Young People. Not speech, nor anything else. That might seem controversial and broad but there also seems to be a consensus around this.

We often struggle to elicit meaningful communications from our Young People when we ask them questions, or ask them to 'use their words' rather than behaviours. What words?! It can be really tough, even as adults, to find the words we need to find to express complicated feelings. Now reduce your vocabulary and your experience on this planet massively, and try the same thing.

See? In this section, we will give you some ideas on how to connect with your Young Person through play, either to help them explore or to explain difficult things—or even just to connect as parent-child again.

Do not shy away from using these interventions with Young People whatever their age.

Sand Tray Play

Sand play used intentionally is a mentalisation-based exercise. We talked about what mentalisation is in this Comfort With Kevin post (don't forget to like and subscribe!). The point of the sand tray exercise is to allow the young person to explore their inner world without having to expose things about themselves they do not feel ready to share, and it is a way of getting Young People to think creatively about their problems rather than the talk-based focus that adults tend to employ with Young People.

Materials Needed:

Some children's play sand and a tray of some sort (a cat litter tray will do) OR some uncooked rice and a baking tray
A bunch (sorry, no number) of miniature toys to use.
A quiet place where you will be undisturbed.
Some floor place to work with ideally OR a table where you can be sat alongside each other, not facing

Ready?

Start: Saying to your Young Person a version of the following: "shape the sand however you like, in whatever way you would like, using your fingers. Let your fingers think. When you are done with that, place some miniatures in your tray. Feel free to reshape the sand at this point. When you are done, give the world you have created a name or a title." Speak as you normally would, and try to be yourself. Keep the meaning of the above but feel free to use your own words.
The First Telling: Ask your Young Person to tell you about the world they have created. Just get them to talk you through it.
Show Empathy: Repeat back to them, in your own words, what they have told you to check your own understanding. Ask if you have missed anything. Once you are sure you haven't, ask them where they are most drawn to in the sand tray.
Speak As The Image: When the Young Person has identified has identified where in the sand tray they are drawn to, ask them if they want to speak as that image in the sand tray. They might pick up the clown toy and speak in the 'I' or they might say "I am the clown and I feel..."
Interviewing The Image: Ask the Young Person (as the clown) questions, e.g. "is there anything you are afraid of? What are you feeling at the moment? What do you like about your life?" When the Young Person is answering, if they say "it" or the "the clown" (not to be confused with the movie It...), remind them to keep answering from the 'I', e.g. "I am afraid of school."
Dialoguing Within The Image: Can you identify within the Young Person's image (sand tray) two figures that have an important relationship? Your Young Person is likely already speaking as one at the moment. Ask your Young Person what the clown's relationship is with the blue whale. Ask them if they can talk to each other, and what they might say. You can support by using unfinished sentences here, e.g. "I am the blue whale and what I am feeling is..."
Potency: This doesn't always happen—but your Young Person might say "I feel like burying dad in the sand!" or "I want my teacher to stand and face the corner!" Tell them: "Do it! Try it!" After they have done it, ask them how they feel now they have done it. Acknowledge you have heard what they said.
Possibility: Ask the Young Person what might happen next in the sand tray. This is especially important if they are struggling to share with you, for whatever reason—such as struggling to trust. Ask the Young Person: "Does anything about the image you have created remind you of your own life?"
Last Minute Change: You've done all the following steps, now ask the Young Person: "Now we have talked about your world, is there anything you want to change—to add, or to take away?" If they do make changes to the sand tray, ask them: "How do you feel now you've gotten to make those changes?"
Ending: Now you have done everything with the sand tray. You might want to ask them what they will take away from the session. If you think this might be too advanced, try and summarise the session in a way that demonstrates your empathy for them, and attunes with them (match their energy, as the kids might say). Finally: "It is now time to end our session. Are you ready to put away your sand tray and return the toys to where they came from?" If they agree, you might want to add: "If you need help, don't forget you can ask me and we can do it together."

Big Empathy Drawings

Big Empathy Drawings are used as a way of collectively making sense of a child's world, rather than leaving them to do it by themselves. It is based on a concept described by the British Psychological Society. We talked about psychological formulation in this Comfort With Kevin post (don't forget to like and subscribe!). This exercise can be done focussing on the young person solely or it can be adapted so a parent and a child can do this exercise on each other. You can adapt the materials you need below, and your method, as you decide to use it.

Materials Needed:

A pencil, a pen, some coloured pencils and some felt tip pens.
A piece of A3 paper.
A quiet place where you will be undisturbed for the drawing, and also for the sharing.
Some floor place to work with ideally OR a table where you can be sat alongside each other, not facing.

Now before you see the young person, you will want to prepare yourself ahead of time.

Have A Think: Before you make the time with the young person to go through your drawing, I would recommend doing the drawing ahead of time. It might be uncomfortable otherwise. Before you get started, think about the words the young person has used with you to describe their inner life, when you have gotten a glimpse. Jot down the broad themes and the feelings, without the specifics, if you can. You might jot down things like:
- Sad, angry or lonely;
- A sense of betrayal or chaos, confusion or lack of autonomy.
Get Ready To Draw: Get our your materials that you have from the above. As you sit, it might occur to you that you are one of the many adults who have a real challenge when it comes to play and it comes to art. Are you wondering how you will do this? Do you feel silly? These are normal feelings to be having. We are often told to de-prioritise play as we get older, and we can internalise these messages. Sit with it for a while before you get started. Have your materials ready so you show intention to the task
Start Drawing: Draw your picture. Don't worry about it not being a masterpiece. You might want to also use speech on the drawing, e.g. "I feel so alone" or "what happened to me was unfair. It wasnt my fault, but it hurt me." In this way, you can put some psychoeducation into the picture by helping a child internalise that what happened wasn't fair.
Keep The Picture Somewhere Safe: It's important that you keep this picture safe, and that nobody sees it before you show it to the child. This is your drawing of their inner world. It could be so violating for this to be shared more widely.

You have the young person the room with you now. Ready?

Introduce The Concept: Tell the young person that you have been thinking about what they have told you, and what it must be like to be them. You wanted to draw a picture to see if you really understood what it was like to be them. Ask them if it would be okay if you showed them a picture like this. See what they say. They might refuse and you should respect this.
Show Them The Picture: If they do not refuse, get the picture out and put it between you. Talk about the picture you have drawn and why you have drawn it. Explain some of the phrases you have used if you did use any, maybe say something like "when you were talking, I got this feeling of you being really overwhelmed byu your surroundings, and people being overbearing, so I drew big tall figures". As this is not their metaphor, but your drawing, feel free to identify them in this drawing.
Show Empathy: After you have done explaining the drawing say something that demonstrates how difficult the picture is and how difficult it must be to feel this way.
Invite Feedback and Changes: Tell the young person you care about their thoughts. Ask them what it felt like to the receive the picture and whether it felt accurate to their experiences. Then tell them you care whether you got anything wrong, or missed anything out. Leave the picture on the table in between you, and gestures to the pens and pencils that you have made available to them. Tell them they can make any changes they want to the picture to make it accurate.
Take The Feedback On Board: They may change nothing, but they may change a lot. Whatever the size of the corrections, emphasise that you get that you didn't get everything right: "So I didn't understand how difficult you found that, and how it is bigger than everything else. Thank you for sharing that with me".
Change Ownership: Tell the young person that the drawing belongs to them. It is their drawing of their inner world. They decide what happens with it. Is there a safe place they want to keep it? Maybe they want to throw it away. There is nothing wrong with what they choose.

Some Other Interventions

Maybe you want to start smaller. We got you. Give some of these a go.

Ask "Can I Play?"

Adults often mistake Young People for being adults-in-training rather than their own thing in their own right. We try to direct them towards adult-like behaviour, and try to make lots of teachable moments—in an adult way of course. This can lead to frustration in the relationship for both of you. This is because:

Young People of All Ages Need Autonomy: The more pressure adults apply, no matter their motivation, the more motivation for rebellion is stored up. Responsive parenting recognises this need for autonomy.
It Can Teach The Wrong Lessons About What Gets Attention: If adults react more to a Young Person's 'naughtiness' than when they are modelling good behaviours, they are incentivised to be naughty. Young People behave according to their incentives, just like adults do.

So what can do you?

Ask your Young Person if you can join them for their play. This might be a video game they are playing, a tea party they are throwing or, possibly the best example ever, they are trying to re-enact a scene from the Aristocrats of feeding time. The benefits are:

Your Young Person Learns That They Hold Power Too: You might need help to understand the rules. You might have to figure out how to be a T-Rex really quickly. They also learn that by your trying to be a good T-Rex or video game player, that you care about their world.
You Get To Reconnect With Play: This often feels intimidating but it's important to not lose sight of what it is like to be a young person if you want to have a good relationship with your child. Try to lose sight of your anxieties, your silliness, and try to really get into it.
An Adult That Does The Above Is A Safer Person For Young People: Young People often fail to open up to adults because they feel too far removed, or they 'don't get it'. You can practically demonstrate that you do by playing with them at their level.

Hide And Seek

Your eyebrow might be raising reading this—particularly if you have a teenager. Just go with it. This might even work especially well with that teenager who is losing their inner child.

Propose a game of hide and seek and really, really go for it. No clues. Make it a hard game. Try and lose yourself in it too, as the parent or caregiver. Be open to hilarity and see it as your way to reconnect.

Playing hide-and-seek with your teenager, in particular, can improve your relationship in several ways:

1. Shared Fun and Laughter: The game itself is light-hearted and fun, promoting laughter and shared enjoyment. These positive emotions help create a bond and strengthen your connection.
2. Quality Time Together: In an age of distractions, hide-and-seek provides dedicated time for you and your teenager to interact without technology or other interruptions. This focused attention can lead to deeper conversations and understanding.
3. Breaking Down Barriers: Engaging in playful activity can break down barriers and formality, making it easier for your teenager to open up and communicate.
4. Creating Shared Memories: The shared experience of playing together builds memories that you can cherish and look back on fondly, strengthening your bond over time.
5. Showing Your Playful Side: Participating in a game like hide-and-seek shows your teenager that you're not just a parent, but also someone who is fun and approachable. Many of us didn't have emotionally available adults when we were younger. Being a playful adult shows your Young Person they can approach you.
6. Boosting Confidence: Encouraging your teenager during the game and celebrating their successes, whether finding a clever hiding spot or seeking you out, can boost their confidence and self-esteem.
7. Reducing Stress: Playful activities can help reduce stress and anxiety for both you and your teenager, promoting a more relaxed and positive atmosphere in your relationship.

Remember to adapt the game to the young person's interests and preferences. Maybe they'd enjoy a twist on the game or incorporating technology in some way. The key is to focus on having fun and connecting with your teenager in a playful and meaningful way.

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