What Is Attachment Theory?

We need to have one thing very clear: play is the primary language of Young People. Not speech, nor anything else. That might seem controversial and broad but there also seems to be a consensus around this.

We often struggle to elicit meaningful communications from our Young People when we ask them questions, or ask them to 'use their words' rather than behaviours. What words?! It can be really tough, even as adults, to find the words we need to find to express complicated feelings. Now reduce your vocabulary and your experience on this planet massively, and try the same thing.

See? In this section, we will give you some ideas on how to connect with your Young Person through play, either to help them explore or to explain difficult things—or even just to connect as parent-child again.

Do not shy away from using these interventions with Young People whatever their age.

Sand Tray Play

Sand play used intentionally is a mentalisation-based exercise. We talked about what mentalisation is in this Comfort With Kevin post (don't forget to like and subscribe!). The point of the sand tray exercise is to allow the young person to explore their inner world without having to expose things about themselves they do not feel ready to share, and it is a way of getting Young People to think creatively about their problems rather than the talk-based focus that adults tend to employ with Young People.

Materials Needed:

Ready?

Big Empathy Drawings


Big Empathy Drawings are used as a way of collectively making sense of a child's world, rather than leaving them to do it by themselves. It is based on a concept described by the British Psychological Society. We talked about psychological formulation in this Comfort With Kevin post (don't forget to like and subscribe!). This exercise can be done focussing on the young person solely or it can be adapted so a parent and a child can do this exercise on each other. You can adapt the materials you need below, and your method, as you decide to use it.

Materials Needed:

Now before you see the young person, you will want to prepare yourself ahead of time.

You have the young person the room with you now. Ready?

Some Other Interventions

Maybe you want to start smaller. We got you. Give some of these a go.

Ask "Can I Play?"

Adults often mistake Young People for being adults-in-training rather than their own thing in their own right. We try to direct them towards adult-like behaviour, and try to make lots of teachable moments—in an adult way of course. This can lead to frustration in the relationship for both of you. This is because:

So what can do you?

Ask your Young Person if you can join them for their play. This might be a video game they are playing, a tea party they are throwing or, possibly the best example ever, they are trying to re-enact a scene from the Aristocrats of feeding time. The benefits are:

Hide And Seek

Your eyebrow might be raising reading this—particularly if you have a teenager. Just go with it. This might even work especially well with that teenager who is losing their inner child.

Propose a game of hide and seek and really, really go for it. No clues. Make it a hard game. Try and lose yourself in it too, as the parent or caregiver. Be open to hilarity and see it as your way to reconnect.


Playing hide-and-seek with your teenager, in particular, can improve your relationship in several ways:

Remember to adapt the game to the young person's interests and preferences. Maybe they'd enjoy a twist on the game or incorporating technology in some way. The key is to focus on having fun and connecting with your teenager in a playful and meaningful way.